Monday 14 October 2013

Adverts 4.0

Thanks to the great British public and their stupidity at basic personal hygiene, I have spent the last 3 weeks suffering with flu. Because of this, I've been stuck watching a lot of daytime TV and frankly, if I have to watch another episode of Loose Women I'm going to put a bullet in my head. There is a silver lining however, in that I've come across yet another epic pile of advertisement faeces to rip the shit out of. Enjoy.

Haribo Soft Mix 
I can't find this advert anywhere, but it's been shown constantly on telly at the moment. Cue small child playing with a bag of Haribo softmix (which are fucking disgusting, I'd like to point out) telling a story about "Once upon a time, there was a frog." Now I'm sure regular fans of this segment remember that I hate adverts with kids in them. Especially kids that play with their food. And once again it shows that kids these days are little shits who don't learn how to share - cue this kid's face when Dad chips in and nicks one. Well, look who never learned to share. I'll put money down right now dear, that Daddy was probably the one who bought you those sweeties. And Daddy will probably be the one who bails you out of financial ruin when you jet off on your gap-yah instead of entering the real world in upcoming years, in addition to letting you rape his credit card every time you go into Topshop. At least give him one of your sweets. 

Flora Presents "Wrestlers" by Josh
"Me and my brother made Mummy and Daddy breakfast for their "annin-versary" (jesus, kids these days are stupid)" - yeah, you also made a fucking mess of your parents' kitchen by the looks of it. "We used lots of tasty Flora Buttery" - I like butter on toast as much as the next person, but I can't help thinking this kid just took a massive spoonful of the shit and dumped it on the toast. Yum. "Mummy won't let us watch wrestling on TV, but she seemed quite good at it with Daddy." Can we just pause for a moment and take in the fact that someone made an advert about kids walking in on their parents having sex? They may as well have said "Mummy was already eating breakfast - she had a sausage in her mouth." Where is the link between Flora and some random kid's parents going at it? I don't get it. I can't say this advert makes me want to buy Flora Buttery. It just makes me think that when I have kids I'm going to have a lock on the inside of my bedroom door. 

Maggi - Sizzling Steak
Again, another one I couldn't find on YouTube, but managed to find through TellyAds. Typical scenario, small child annoying the shit out of Mum while she cooks dinner. "I thought we'd try an experiment" she says. "Like EINSTEIN?" this kid says. No, not like Einstein, you annoying little shit. I'm sure at no point did Einstein chuck a steak into a wok and experiment with spice and all that crap. I like when Mum says "...pretty much" - you can just hear her inner voice going "will you just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE?!" And why does this kid have 3D glasses on? It doesn't add a humorous twist on family life as I'm sure the creators of this advert thought it would, it just makes the kid look even more of a dick. Do I also sense some hostility among Mum and Dad's marriage too? When the kid says "Dad, Mum's a genius!" The disdain in his voice when he says "yes she is" just spells out marriage counselling to me. You can almost hear him thinking "all she did was open a bag." To be fair, that IS all she did really. 

By Sainsbury's - Fish Fingers
There are so many things that make me want to tear my own face off about this advert. First of all - am I the only one who thinks that "By Sainsbury's" just sounds like something a little kid would do after it draws a really shit picture that it's proud of? It doesn't sound classy or anything, it just sounds like "I DID A PICTURE MUMMY." No? Just me? Anyway, I also can't stand this hippy "everything stripped back to basics" idea complete with a stripped back acoustic version of a popular song. Oh just piss off. Also, at 0.18 - it really shits my head up the way this bloke has arranged these fish fingers on the bread. LINE THEM UP NICELY. Dick. 

Tuesday 17 September 2013

The YouTube Survey 2013 - Again, in Blog Form

Regular readers may remember that last year I opted upon myself to do the annual YouTube survey in the form of a blog because of my ongoing confidence issues and crap. Well, a year has passed and I still haven't turned into a hot piece of ass, so here is the 2013 'YouTube Survey' in blog form. Again.

1. What is your biggest fear?
The obvious answer is vomit, as many people know. But lately since finishing uni I've started to become fearful of the fact that this might be it. In that, I've finished uni and I've not really gotten anywhere further since. I have a job, which I'm extremely grateful for, but it's not the job I wanted and feel I deserve after 3 years of busting my ass and working with knobheads. Because of that I've started to take on this "after education, you work, you die. THE END." kind of philosophy, and I'm scared that might be true.

Wooo! What an awesome happy topic to start this fairly light and fluffy topic on. Here's 2 cups of kittens to lighten the mood:

2. How did you find out Santa isn't real?
WHAT? HE DOESN'T EXIST? Obviously I'm kidding. I don't know, I kind of pieced it together year by year. After a while you begin to twig why your mum is so desperate to get you off to bed on what's supposedly the most magical night of the year and then why she's going up and down the stairs several times while you're in bed. I actually now enjoy the part of Christmas Eve where you move all the presents in under the tree. The only thing I hate is seeing them all out and having to go to bed without opening anything. Something rather sweet also is that despite me being twenty one, my Dad still to this day tells me to get my list ready for Father Christmas. 

3. What's the best idea you've ever had? 
To take up scrapbooking as a hobby. I have about 4 scrapbooks on the go, and I'm sure more will appear as the years go on. It's going to be nice to have pretty things to look back on. 

4. What's the most embarrassing thing your parents have done? 
My parents are normally quite good at not embarrassing me in front of my friends, however one thing I can think of was a few months ago: me, my mum and my stepdad were discussing something, I can't remember what but whatever it was got compared to Schindler's List. A few days later we were at my graduation, and something related to the previous discussion came up and my mum burst out "SCHINDLER'S LIST! HAHAHAHA!" Obviously we all knew the context of this, but everyone else in the library foyer did not. They had just heard a lady mentally screaming out the name of a movie based on the Holocaust and laughing at it. Needless to say, looks were exchanged.

5. If you were only allowed to pick one career for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I'd love to be a psychologist, one that specialises in phobias and anxiety. And I would like to have "Dr" as my title and lots of letters after my name. Because B.Sc. (Hons) just looks lame on your CV.

Tuesday 3 September 2013

Welcome to Year 7! You'll probably hate it.

Today's trending topic of #TipsforYear7s on Twitter has inspired a blog for the first time in weeks. I'm supposed to be job hunting, but I was also 'supposed' to get a first when I left uni, and look what happened there. I've tweeted far too much today anyway after having a rant at some dickhead earlier, so I thought instead of pissing people off by clogging their feed with crap, I'll just blog it. So, here's some lovely tips for all you darling little newbies starting secondary school this week. Actually, the more you read this, you'll probably realise that actually they're not tips, there more like observations.

1. Don't lend people pens. 
"Ooh look who never learned to share" I hear you say. No. I know how to share. I lend friends my pens. Friends who I trust will give them back. Not layabouts who can't be bothered to pay a quid for a pack of biros and who'll chew the shit out of the ones I loan them. I know you want to make friends, but do it some other way. Unless you've got a shit load of pens you want to unload.

2. Be prepared to take shit from people. 
More of a life lesson rather than anything else, but Year 7 marks the start of you taking endless crap from people, most likely in the form of bullies. If you wear glasses, expect to have them taken off you so idiots can try them on (said from experience), if you do your homework on time, if you're even the slightest bit organised, prepare to be called names - again said from experience. But just a little side note to those people that made fun of me: I have a degree. You're flipping burgers/stacking shelves/sat on your ass spending my tax.

3. Girls: don't be one of THEM.
One for the young ladies. Some of you will watch most of the girls in your class morph into this...thing. I'm talking orange faces, fake eyelashes, Paul's Boutique bag, WKD, birth control pill. Don't become one of them.

4. "Play time" is now "break" and "lunch."
Seriously, don't call it "Play time."

5. Girls get nasty in PE. 
Ah, some fond memories here. I still remember those words "catch the ball you fucking midget!" every PE lesson. The sad tragedy is some girls don't understand the concept of rounders being 'just a game' and will call you every name they can possibly think of if you can't run/catch/throw. So you have three options: 1. Learn to shrug it off and take comfort in the fact they'll probably be pregnant in a year's time and you'll get an education; 2. Answer back or 3. Have your mum understand that you're a target for these bitches and have her write you a good excuse note. (Number 3 was my go to option, but you can't use it all the time unfortunately).

6. Don't worry about being friends with everyone. 
In a few years time when you look at the Year 11 photo of everyone, you'll hate 99% of the people in it. So don't worry about making everyone your BFF.

Well, that's all I can think of for now without wanting to scare the shit out of the kiddies. Enjoy school. And don't do drugs.

Monday 15 July 2013

Cory Monteith 1982-2013

I've always been an out and proud Gleek, so I was gutted when I woke up to the awful news of Cory Monteith's death yesterday. I cannot begin to imagine how devastated his loved ones are at the news, in particular his girlfriend Lea Michele. I spent most of this morning watching my favourite Finchel videos on YouTube, which has inspired me to put together this list of my favourite Finn songs and moments from Glee. 

I'll Stand By You - Season 1 "Ballad"
Finn choosing to sing a ballad to what at the time he thought was his unborn daughter while watching the sonogram was powerful and emotional to watch, especially at the end where his mother discovers him and he breaks down crying.

Jessie's Girl - Season 1 "Laryngitis"
Not only a song that showed off Cory's vocal talents but also showed Finn's feelings for Rachel in a way that really suited the character.

Can't Fight this Feeling - Season 1 "Pilot"
The first song we hear Finn singing in the pilot episode. I couldn't find the actual clip from the episode, but I came across this little gem on YouTube which I've not heard before. Again another example of his talents. Something that will be going on my iPod.

More than a Woman - Season 3 "Saturday Night Glee-ver"
I don't care what anyone says - I genuinely love this episode. I love all the Bee Gees covers and all the cringeworthy dancing and costumes. While Finn was the last character you'd expect to get the high vocals in this number, Cory sings this really well and I just love the whole performance of this song.

We've Got Tonight - Season 4 "I Do"
While I never got the point of Will and Emma's wedding reception going ahead despite her dumping him at the alter, this is one of my favourite songs of season 4. It was nice to see Finchel reunited after their break up with such a good song and it showed that perhaps there was still hope left for all Gleeks' favourite couple.

Take my Breath Away - Season 3 "Prom-a-saurus"
While not one of Finn's songs, I love the moment that him and Rachel have after they're voted prom king and queen. That combined with Quinn standing mid-performance after her accident - brace yourself, as I've never uttered this phrase ever - totes emosh.

Don't Stop Believing - Season 1 "Pilot"
It would have been wrong not to include this classic moment - the first proper New Directions performance. The saddest part is that this was also the last song we see Cory seeing on Glee - so he started and finished with the same song.

Roots Before Branches - Season 3 "Goodbye"
I could not stop crying the first time I saw this. It wasn't just the song either, it was the moment they had in the car before. I couldn't find the clip, but the line "You're going to be a star without me. That's how much I love you" is what gets me every time.

Pretending - Season 2 "Nationals"
I genuinely loved the intensity of this scene. So what if it cost New Directions their place at Nationals? Finchel got back together!

So that's my list of my favourite Finn moments. Watching these makes me realise how Glee will not be the same anymore without Cory. All of us were hoping for a Finchel reunion in season 5 I'm sure, I know I was. I really hope they handle his exit properly, although I have no idea how they'll write it into the show. Either way, it's going to be heartbreaking to watch, and I can't bear to imagine how upsetting it'll be for the rest of the cast and crew to film. I personally think a tribute episode to Cory should be made, with all the best Finn moments, outtakes, all sorts. I don't really know how to end this post, so all I'll say is this: rest in peace, Cory. You will be missed by us all.

Friday 17 May 2013

What really happens after university

While I try and keep my rants humorous for your benefit, because no one wants to read a sad-ass blog of misery, I'm afraid there's going to be no shits and giggles in this entry. As most of you know, I'm coming to the end of my studies. Well actually, I'm finished now, I just need to graduate. And as most of you know, I have hated 90% of my time at university. Don't get me wrong, third year has been my best year in terms of socialising and making friends, and I've made some friends for life here, not just at university but also in my job, but in terms of the subsequent financial side and my declining mental health because of these last three, it's fucked me in the ass big time. While most people who I've spoken to over the years about going to university have said it's been the best three years of their life, it's really improved things for them blah blah blah, I'm here to tell you what it's like if you're shy, if you're anxious, and if you're only going to university because subconsciously, you don't want to grow up yet.

Again, I have made some wonderful friends at university, and I don't intend to ever lose touch with them. However, it wasn't easy making friends to start with. I spent most of freshers week and the subsequent few months crying because I had no friends and my friends from home were posting regular photos of them having a good time without me. And don't say "well you should have got out there and socialised" - no, because when you don't live in halls, no one invites you anywhere. And no one likes the annoying person who always asks "that sounds like fun! Can I come?!" The sad truth is, if you're shy and you don't make friends easily anyway, chances are you'll be the same as me. Sorry.

And while I don't want to get into the habit of slagging off my institution, I feel obliged to tell you that if you go to university, you WILL be fucked over. From what I've heard from other friends at uni its not just my institution, it's all of them. You'll be fucked over in terms of when you get grades back, unfair markings, unfair deadlines, hypocritical lecturers who don't accept "I have too much work" as an excuse for an extention but see it as a completely viable excuse to delay giving you your essays back, and don't even get me started on the dickheads that you'll be put with in group work.

 Even if you're not shy, and you just hate working with others, be aware that group work is the be all and end all of being at university. Their argument? Well, apparently you have to work with assholes when you get a job, so you may as well learn to tolerate them now. My argument? You get paid to work with assholes when you get a job, so you suck it up and deal with it. At university, you get nothing, just a fuckload of debt in exchange for working with assholes. Plus, it's your degree, you shouldn't have to work with pricks to get it.

Coming to the end of the year, you'll be faced with that philosophical question - "what the fuck do I do now?" If I had one piece of advice to give it'd be this: do your research. Know what you want to do really early on, research what you need to do and how you need to get there. I didn't research jobs until late in my second year and I found out I need more than a BSc to start out where I want to. And because I'm shy and have done far to much work with dicks over the last three years, I don't want to do anymore study. So now I'm stuck. With a BSc in psychology and no where to go. And I can't do the masters I want because they want 100 hours of experience with a client, and despite my course being one in counselling, it never had a placement. Awesome. So you'll be seeing me in McDonald's flipping burgers real soon.

Thursday 16 May 2013

Adverts 3.0

It's that time again where I rip the crap out of current adverts for them being severely irritating, stupidly unrealistic or just because I enjoy ripping the crap out of stuff. So, enjoy.

Barclaycard Bespoke Offers
I'm not even going to comment on the concept of Gok Wan coming to the rescue when you take your middle class children to a fancy coffee shop and they throw that lovely treat back in your face by chucking coffee over you. Okay, I am. Basically, if I ever spilt crap on my mum - in public or not, I'd get yelled at. She would not sit in silence and wait for Gok Wan to magically enter with his parade of coats. I'd get told "the whole day is RUINED." Or words to that affect. And why were those kids here not told off for being annoying little shits? Today they're knocking coffee everywhere, tomorrow they're in prison. That's how it starts.


This advert is first of all annoying the crap out of me because I couldn't use the YouTube app to add it to this blog, I had to embed. And it looks awful. But this advert just makes me glad I don't have children - specifically annoying, cocky ones. And I can't help but feel sorry for those poor bastards working in the Harvester kitchen being given orders by a child. Look at the bloke at 0:02, his face says it all. Then the girl at 0:14 "thank you Chef" - don't thank him, he's a CHILD. His opinion means nothing. "And Mum wants peri-peri with the spit roast chicken" - well, I'm sure his mum would like a spit roast, but you can't really get that at the Harvester. I don't know, I've never asked. Then the worst part which makes me want to punch the little shit right in the kisser "DAD SAUCE." How about no?! If I sat at the table and went "MUM, KETCHUP NOW." I'd get "Don't. Speak. To. Me. Like. That." And I'd be that kid that gets shouted at in front of everyone at the restaurant. And I'm saying that from experience.

Protect Your Bubble
"Why didn't I just insure it?" That's a good question, Jason. Although, I think you should be less concerned about the fact you just fucked your iPhone up and be more concerned about the fact you're talking to two cartoons. Yes, next time insure your phone, but also seek professional help. 

Haribo - "They're Just Too Good"

I think from these specific blog entries, it's clear I don't like role reversal adverts where children are grown ups. And this is yet another one. I'm sorry, but this 'study' does NOT prove that Haribo is "just too good" - it proves that children have no sense of logic or reasoning to understand that if they resist one thing, they can have two of them. And no, this is not me killing the joy of this adorably cute "aww look at the kiddies wanting all the sweeties!" advert - it's a scientific fact that has been illustrated in countless developmental psychology studies. If this advert was made with 8 year olds instead of toddlers, then they would resist the Haribo because they understand that if two over time is better than one thing immediately. Ha. Psychology'd. Also, as someone who works in an opticians, those glasses do not fit that child properly. 

Friday 3 May 2013

Lifescouts: Music Video Badge

If you think about it, I've done quite well on Lifescouts' music month, given that I'm not really musical at all. This badge is one of my favourites because making music videos was quite a large part of my school life a few years back, it was what I used to do with friends. It wasn't just music videos, there was a lot of random crap too, but we made some pretty kickass music videos in our time.

I remember me and my friend Tammy made a music video for Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid, a film we bonded over as children, although it is one of the most random things you'll ever see, and I look like an absolutely horrendous demon child in it, it's pretty good if I do say so myself.

Then a few years later me and my friend Alice made two more - Potential Breakup Song by Aly and AJ, and In My Arms by Kylie Minogue - both of which I find painful to watch given how stupid I look in them, although I still love them because they remind me of some really good times we had.

And yes, before you ask, these are on YouTube. But I'm not posting links :)