Tuesday 3 September 2013

Welcome to Year 7! You'll probably hate it.

Today's trending topic of #TipsforYear7s on Twitter has inspired a blog for the first time in weeks. I'm supposed to be job hunting, but I was also 'supposed' to get a first when I left uni, and look what happened there. I've tweeted far too much today anyway after having a rant at some dickhead earlier, so I thought instead of pissing people off by clogging their feed with crap, I'll just blog it. So, here's some lovely tips for all you darling little newbies starting secondary school this week. Actually, the more you read this, you'll probably realise that actually they're not tips, there more like observations.

1. Don't lend people pens. 
"Ooh look who never learned to share" I hear you say. No. I know how to share. I lend friends my pens. Friends who I trust will give them back. Not layabouts who can't be bothered to pay a quid for a pack of biros and who'll chew the shit out of the ones I loan them. I know you want to make friends, but do it some other way. Unless you've got a shit load of pens you want to unload.

2. Be prepared to take shit from people. 
More of a life lesson rather than anything else, but Year 7 marks the start of you taking endless crap from people, most likely in the form of bullies. If you wear glasses, expect to have them taken off you so idiots can try them on (said from experience), if you do your homework on time, if you're even the slightest bit organised, prepare to be called names - again said from experience. But just a little side note to those people that made fun of me: I have a degree. You're flipping burgers/stacking shelves/sat on your ass spending my tax.

3. Girls: don't be one of THEM.
One for the young ladies. Some of you will watch most of the girls in your class morph into this...thing. I'm talking orange faces, fake eyelashes, Paul's Boutique bag, WKD, birth control pill. Don't become one of them.

4. "Play time" is now "break" and "lunch."
Seriously, don't call it "Play time."

5. Girls get nasty in PE. 
Ah, some fond memories here. I still remember those words "catch the ball you fucking midget!" every PE lesson. The sad tragedy is some girls don't understand the concept of rounders being 'just a game' and will call you every name they can possibly think of if you can't run/catch/throw. So you have three options: 1. Learn to shrug it off and take comfort in the fact they'll probably be pregnant in a year's time and you'll get an education; 2. Answer back or 3. Have your mum understand that you're a target for these bitches and have her write you a good excuse note. (Number 3 was my go to option, but you can't use it all the time unfortunately).

6. Don't worry about being friends with everyone. 
In a few years time when you look at the Year 11 photo of everyone, you'll hate 99% of the people in it. So don't worry about making everyone your BFF.

Well, that's all I can think of for now without wanting to scare the shit out of the kiddies. Enjoy school. And don't do drugs.

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