Adverts 4.0

Thanks to the great British public and their stupidity at basic personal hygiene, I have spent the last 3 weeks suffering with flu. Because of this, I've been stuck watching a lot of daytime TV and frankly, if I have to watch another episode of Loose Women I'm going to put a bullet in my head. There is a silver lining however, in that I've come across yet another epic pile of advertisement faeces to rip the shit out of. Enjoy.

Haribo Soft Mix 

I can't find this advert anywhere, but it's been shown constantly on telly at the moment. Cue small child playing with a bag of Haribo softmix (which are fucking disgusting, I'd like to point out) telling a story about "Once upon a time, there was a frog." Now I'm sure regular fans of this segment remember that I hate adverts with kids in them. Especially kids that play with their food. And once again it shows that kids these days are little shits who don't learn how to share - cue this kid's face when Dad chips in and nicks one. Well, look who never learned to share. I'll put money down right now dear, that Daddy was probably the one who bought you those sweeties. And Daddy will probably be the one who bails you out of financial ruin when you jet off on your gap-yah instead of entering the real world in upcoming years, in addition to letting you rape his credit card every time you go into Topshop. At least give him one of your sweets. 

Flora Presents "Wrestlers" by Josh

"Me and my brother made Mummy and Daddy breakfast for their "annin-versary" (jesus, kids these days are stupid)" - yeah, you also made a fucking mess of your parents' kitchen by the looks of it. "We used lots of tasty Flora Buttery" - I like butter on toast as much as the next person, but I can't help thinking this kid just took a massive spoonful of the shit and dumped it on the toast. Yum. "Mummy won't let us watch wrestling on TV, but she seemed quite good at it with Daddy." Can we just pause for a moment and take in the fact that someone made an advert about kids walking in on their parents having sex? They may as well have said "Mummy was already eating breakfast - she had a sausage in her mouth." Where is the link between Flora and some random kid's parents going at it? I don't get it. I can't say this advert makes me want to buy Flora Buttery. It just makes me think that when I have kids I'm going to have a lock on the inside of my bedroom door. 

Maggi - Sizzling Steak

Again, another one I couldn't find on YouTube, but managed to find through TellyAds. Typical scenario, small child annoying the shit out of Mum while she cooks dinner. "I thought we'd try an experiment" she says. "Like EINSTEIN?" this kid says. No, not like Einstein, you annoying little shit. I'm sure at no point did Einstein chuck a steak into a wok and experiment with spice and all that crap. I like when Mum says "...pretty much" - you can just hear her inner voice going "will you just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE?!" And why does this kid have 3D glasses on? It doesn't add a humorous twist on family life as I'm sure the creators of this advert thought it would, it just makes the kid look even more of a dick. Do I also sense some hostility among Mum and Dad's marriage too? When the kid says "Dad, Mum's a genius!" The disdain in his voice when he says "yes she is" just spells out marriage counselling to me. You can almost hear him thinking "all she did was open a bag." To be fair, that IS all she did really. 

By Sainsbury's - Fish Fingers

There are so many things that make me want to tear my own face off about this advert. First of all - am I the only one who thinks that "By Sainsbury's" just sounds like something a little kid would do after it draws a really shit picture that it's proud of? It doesn't sound classy or anything, it just sounds like "I DID A PICTURE MUMMY." No? Just me? Anyway, I also can't stand this hippy "everything stripped back to basics" idea complete with a stripped back acoustic version of a popular song. Oh just piss off. Also, at 0.18 - it really shits my head up the way this bloke has arranged these fish fingers on the bread. LINE THEM UP NICELY. Dick. 

The YouTube Survey 2013 - Again, in Blog Form

Regular readers may remember that last year I opted upon myself to do the annual YouTube survey in the form of a blog because of my ongoing confidence issues and crap. Well, a year has passed and I still haven't turned into a hot piece of ass, so here is the 2013 'YouTube Survey' in blog form. Again.

1. What is your biggest fear?
The obvious answer is vomit, as many people know. But lately since finishing uni I've started to become fearful of the fact that this might be it. In that, I've finished uni and I've not really gotten anywhere further since. I have a job, which I'm extremely grateful for, but it's not the job I wanted and feel I deserve after 3 years of busting my ass and working with knobheads. Because of that I've started to take on this "after education, you work, you die. THE END." kind of philosophy, and I'm scared that might be true.

Wooo! What an awesome happy topic to start this fairly light and fluffy topic on. Here's 2 cups of kittens to lighten the mood:

2. How did you find out Santa isn't real?

WHAT? HE DOESN'T EXIST? Obviously I'm kidding. I don't know, I kind of pieced it together year by year. After a while you begin to twig why your mum is so desperate to get you off to bed on what's supposedly the most magical night of the year and then why she's going up and down the stairs several times while you're in bed. I actually now enjoy the part of Christmas Eve where you move all the presents in under the tree. The only thing I hate is seeing them all out and having to go to bed without opening anything. Something rather sweet also is that despite me being twenty one, my Dad still to this day tells me to get my list ready for Father Christmas. 

3. What's the best idea you've ever had? 

To take up scrapbooking as a hobby. I have about 4 scrapbooks on the go, and I'm sure more will appear as the years go on. It's going to be nice to have pretty things to look back on. 

4. What's the most embarrassing thing your parents have done? 

My parents are normally quite good at not embarrassing me in front of my friends, however one thing I can think of was a few months ago: me, my mum and my stepdad were discussing something, I can't remember what but whatever it was got compared to Schindler's List. A few days later we were at my graduation, and something related to the previous discussion came up and my mum burst out "SCHINDLER'S LIST! HAHAHAHA!" Obviously we all knew the context of this, but everyone else in the library foyer did not. They had just heard a lady mentally screaming out the name of a movie based on the Holocaust and laughing at it. Needless to say, looks were exchanged.

5. If you were only allowed to pick one career for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I'd love to be a psychologist, one that specialises in phobias and anxiety. And I would like to have "Dr" as my title and lots of letters after my name. Because B.Sc. (Hons) just looks lame on your CV.

Welcome to Year 7! You'll probably hate it.

Today's trending topic of #TipsforYear7s on Twitter has inspired a blog for the first time in weeks. I'm supposed to be job hunting, but I was also 'supposed' to get a first when I left uni, and look what happened there. I've tweeted far too much today anyway after having a rant at some dickhead earlier, so I thought instead of pissing people off by clogging their feed with crap, I'll just blog it. So, here's some lovely tips for all you darling little newbies starting secondary school this week. Actually, the more you read this, you'll probably realise that actually they're not tips, there more like observations.

1. Don't lend people pens. 
"Ooh look who never learned to share" I hear you say. No. I know how to share. I lend friends my pens. Friends who I trust will give them back. Not layabouts who can't be bothered to pay a quid for a pack of biros and who'll chew the shit out of the ones I loan them. I know you want to make friends, but do it some other way. Unless you've got a shit load of pens you want to unload.

2. Be prepared to take shit from people. 
More of a life lesson rather than anything else, but Year 7 marks the start of you taking endless crap from people, most likely in the form of bullies. If you wear glasses, expect to have them taken off you so idiots can try them on (said from experience), if you do your homework on time, if you're even the slightest bit organised, prepare to be called names - again said from experience. But just a little side note to those people that made fun of me: I have a degree. You're flipping burgers/stacking shelves/sat on your ass spending my tax.

3. Girls: don't be one of THEM.
One for the young ladies. Some of you will watch most of the girls in your class morph into this...thing. I'm talking orange faces, fake eyelashes, Paul's Boutique bag, WKD, birth control pill. Don't become one of them.

4. "Play time" is now "break" and "lunch."
Seriously, don't call it "Play time."

5. Girls get nasty in PE. 
Ah, some fond memories here. I still remember those words "catch the ball you fucking midget!" every PE lesson. The sad tragedy is some girls don't understand the concept of rounders being 'just a game' and will call you every name they can possibly think of if you can't run/catch/throw. So you have three options: 1. Learn to shrug it off and take comfort in the fact they'll probably be pregnant in a year's time and you'll get an education; 2. Answer back or 3. Have your mum understand that you're a target for these bitches and have her write you a good excuse note. (Number 3 was my go to option, but you can't use it all the time unfortunately).

6. Don't worry about being friends with everyone. 
In a few years time when you look at the Year 11 photo of everyone, you'll hate 99% of the people in it. So don't worry about making everyone your BFF.

Well, that's all I can think of for now without wanting to scare the shit out of the kiddies. Enjoy school. And don't do drugs.

Cory Monteith 1982-2013

I've always been an out and proud Gleek, so I was gutted when I woke up to the awful news of Cory Monteith's death yesterday. I cannot begin to imagine how devastated his loved ones are at the news, in particular his girlfriend Lea Michele. I spent most of this morning watching my favourite Finchel videos on YouTube, which has inspired me to put together this list of my favourite Finn songs and moments from Glee. 

I'll Stand By You - Season 1 "Ballad"

Finn choosing to sing a ballad to what at the time he thought was his unborn daughter while watching the sonogram was powerful and emotional to watch, especially at the end where his mother discovers him and he breaks down crying.

Jessie's Girl - Season 1 "Laryngitis"

Not only a song that showed off Cory's vocal talents but also showed Finn's feelings for Rachel in a way that really suited the character.

Can't Fight this Feeling - Season 1 "Pilot"

The first song we hear Finn singing in the pilot episode. I couldn't find the actual clip from the episode, but I came across this little gem on YouTube which I've not heard before. Again another example of his talents. Something that will be going on my iPod.

More than a Woman - Season 3 "Saturday Night Glee-ver"

I don't care what anyone says - I genuinely love this episode. I love all the Bee Gees covers and all the cringeworthy dancing and costumes. While Finn was the last character you'd expect to get the high vocals in this number, Cory sings this really well and I just love the whole performance of this song.

We've Got Tonight - Season 4 "I Do"

While I never got the point of Will and Emma's wedding reception going ahead despite her dumping him at the alter, this is one of my favourite songs of season 4. It was nice to see Finchel reunited after their break up with such a good song and it showed that perhaps there was still hope left for all Gleeks' favourite couple.

Take my Breath Away - Season 3 "Prom-a-saurus"

While not one of Finn's songs, I love the moment that him and Rachel have after they're voted prom king and queen. That combined with Quinn standing mid-performance after her accident - brace yourself, as I've never uttered this phrase ever - totes emosh.

Don't Stop Believing - Season 1 "Pilot"

It would have been wrong not to include this classic moment - the first proper New Directions performance. The saddest part is that this was also the last song we see Cory seeing on Glee - so he started and finished with the same song.

Roots Before Branches - Season 3 "Goodbye"

I could not stop crying the first time I saw this. It wasn't just the song either, it was the moment they had in the car before. I couldn't find the clip, but the line "You're going to be a star without me. That's how much I love you" is what gets me every time.


Pretending - Season 2 "Nationals"

I genuinely loved the intensity of this scene. So what if it cost New Directions their place at Nationals? Finchel got back together!

So that's my list of my favourite Finn moments. Watching these makes me realise how Glee will not be the same anymore without Cory. All of us were hoping for a Finchel reunion in season 5 I'm sure, I know I was. I really hope they handle his exit properly, although I have no idea how they'll write it into the show. Either way, it's going to be heartbreaking to watch, and I can't bear to imagine how upsetting it'll be for the rest of the cast and crew to film. I personally think a tribute episode to Cory should be made, with all the best Finn moments, outtakes, all sorts. I don't really know how to end this post, so all I'll say is this: rest in peace, Cory. You will be missed by us all.

What really happens after university

While I try and keep my rants humorous for your benefit, because no one wants to read a sad-ass blog of misery, I'm afraid there's going to be no shits and giggles in this entry. As most of you know, I'm coming to the end of my studies. Well actually, I'm finished now, I just need to graduate. And as most of you know, I have hated 90% of my time at university. Don't get me wrong, third year has been my best year in terms of socialising and making friends, and I've made some friends for life here, not just at university but also in my job, but in terms of the subsequent financial side and my declining mental health because of these last three, it's fucked me in the ass big time. While most people who I've spoken to over the years about going to university have said it's been the best three years of their life, it's really improved things for them blah blah blah, I'm here to tell you what it's like if you're shy, if you're anxious, and if you're only going to university because subconsciously, you don't want to grow up yet.

Again, I have made some wonderful friends at university, and I don't intend to ever lose touch with them. However, it wasn't easy making friends to start with. I spent most of freshers week and the subsequent few months crying because I had no friends and my friends from home were posting regular photos of them having a good time without me. And don't say "well you should have got out there and socialised" - no, because when you don't live in halls, no one invites you anywhere. And no one likes the annoying person who always asks "that sounds like fun! Can I come?!" The sad truth is, if you're shy and you don't make friends easily anyway, chances are you'll be the same as me. Sorry.

And while I don't want to get into the habit of slagging off my institution, I feel obliged to tell you that if you go to university, you WILL be fucked over. From what I've heard from other friends at uni its not just my institution, it's all of them. You'll be fucked over in terms of when you get grades back, unfair markings, unfair deadlines, hypocritical lecturers who don't accept "I have too much work" as an excuse for an extention but see it as a completely viable excuse to delay giving you your essays back, and don't even get me started on the dickheads that you'll be put with in group work.

 Even if you're not shy, and you just hate working with others, be aware that group work is the be all and end all of being at university. Their argument? Well, apparently you have to work with assholes when you get a job, so you may as well learn to tolerate them now. My argument? You get paid to work with assholes when you get a job, so you suck it up and deal with it. At university, you get nothing, just a fuckload of debt in exchange for working with assholes. Plus, it's your degree, you shouldn't have to work with pricks to get it.

Coming to the end of the year, you'll be faced with that philosophical question - "what the fuck do I do now?" If I had one piece of advice to give it'd be this: do your research. Know what you want to do really early on, research what you need to do and how you need to get there. I didn't research jobs until late in my second year and I found out I need more than a BSc to start out where I want to. And because I'm shy and have done far to much work with dicks over the last three years, I don't want to do anymore study. So now I'm stuck. With a BSc in psychology and no where to go. And I can't do the masters I want because they want 100 hours of experience with a client, and despite my course being one in counselling, it never had a placement. Awesome. So you'll be seeing me in McDonald's flipping burgers real soon.

Adverts 3.0

It's that time again where I rip the crap out of current adverts for them being severely irritating, stupidly unrealistic or just because I enjoy ripping the crap out of stuff. So, enjoy.

Barclaycard Bespoke Offers

I'm not even going to comment on the concept of Gok Wan coming to the rescue when you take your middle class children to a fancy coffee shop and they throw that lovely treat back in your face by chucking coffee over you. Okay, I am. Basically, if I ever spilt crap on my mum - in public or not, I'd get yelled at. She would not sit in silence and wait for Gok Wan to magically enter with his parade of coats. I'd get told "the whole day is RUINED." Or words to that affect. And why were those kids here not told off for being annoying little shits? Today they're knocking coffee everywhere, tomorrow they're in prison. That's how it starts.

Harvester



This advert is first of all annoying the crap out of me because I couldn't use the YouTube app to add it to this blog, I had to embed. And it looks awful. But this advert just makes me glad I don't have children - specifically annoying, cocky ones. And I can't help but feel sorry for those poor bastards working in the Harvester kitchen being given orders by a child. Look at the bloke at 0:02, his face says it all. Then the girl at 0:14 "thank you Chef" - don't thank him, he's a CHILD. His opinion means nothing. "And Mum wants peri-peri with the spit roast chicken" - well, I'm sure his mum would like a spit roast, but you can't really get that at the Harvester. I don't know, I've never asked. Then the worst part which makes me want to punch the little shit right in the kisser "DAD SAUCE." How about no?! If I sat at the table and went "MUM, KETCHUP NOW." I'd get "Don't. Speak. To. Me. Like. That." And I'd be that kid that gets shouted at in front of everyone at the restaurant. And I'm saying that from experience.

Protect Your Bubble

"Why didn't I just insure it?" That's a good question, Jason. Although, I think you should be less concerned about the fact you just fucked your iPhone up and be more concerned about the fact you're talking to two cartoons. Yes, next time insure your phone, but also seek professional help. 

Haribo - "They're Just Too Good"

I think from these specific blog entries, it's clear I don't like role reversal adverts where children are grown ups. And this is yet another one. I'm sorry, but this 'study' does NOT prove that Haribo is "just too good" - it proves that children have no sense of logic or reasoning to understand that if they resist one thing, they can have two of them. And no, this is not me killing the joy of this adorably cute "aww look at the kiddies wanting all the sweeties!" advert - it's a scientific fact that has been illustrated in countless developmental psychology studies. If this advert was made with 8 year olds instead of toddlers, then they would resist the Haribo because they understand that if two over time is better than one thing immediately. Ha. Psychology'd. Also, as someone who works in an opticians, those glasses do not fit that child properly. 

Lifescouts: Music Video Badge

If you think about it, I've done quite well on Lifescouts' music month, given that I'm not really musical at all. This badge is one of my favourites because making music videos was quite a large part of my school life a few years back, it was what I used to do with friends. It wasn't just music videos, there was a lot of random crap too, but we made some pretty kickass music videos in our time.

I remember me and my friend Tammy made a music video for Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid, a film we bonded over as children, although it is one of the most random things you'll ever see, and I look like an absolutely horrendous demon child in it, it's pretty good if I do say so myself.

Then a few years later me and my friend Alice made two more - Potential Breakup Song by Aly and AJ, and In My Arms by Kylie Minogue - both of which I find painful to watch given how stupid I look in them, although I still love them because they remind me of some really good times we had.

And yes, before you ask, these are on YouTube. But I'm not posting links :)

Lifescouts: Karaoke Badge

We all love a bit of karaoke. Although no one ever takes it seriously, it's more of a drunken activity at a wedding or family party. Nothing wrong with that, it actually makes drinking quite enjoyable.

When I was a kid I used to belt out the karaoke, I remember one year getting a karaoke machine for Christmas, back when cassette tapes were around, which is just evident how long ago that actually was. Then when I was a bit older I got one of those fancy ones you plug into the TV and the lyrics come up on the screen. Wasn't really used much though.

I've always been to shy to do karaoke drunk, let alone sober so I rarely do it anymore now that I'm an adult and have inhibitions and all that crap. Although that's not to say I don't belt out a good Glee number when I've got the flat to myself. I do a kickass It's All Coming Back to Me Now. You think I'm joking. I'm really not.

Lifescouts: Songwriting Badge

Before I get "oh my God, you're so deep" comments may I please just clear up one thing: I was 14 so these 'songs' were in no way lyrical genius, but here's the story.

Every year at our school we'd have something called the Rock Concert. Unique name, I know. Basically it was where all the talented kids would take to the stage and showcase their awesomeness - or rather, big-headedness. Every year they'd have a song writing competition and first prize would win a spot performing at the rock concert and would get to record an album which people could buy on the night.

Don't ask why this idiotic idea came into our minds, but me and a friend (who shall not be named given that we're no longer friends, given several incidents of subsequent bullying before she finally left and stopped making my life hell - but that's another story which I don't think is wise to post over the internet) decided to enter said competition and we met up to brainstorm ideas.

Basically the song we came up with was a similar theme to I'm With You by Avril Lavigne - and before I get sued, the melody and lyrics were completely different - for some reason that's the song I've always thought it was like. Similar premise "Oh I'm so alone, everyone's in couples WAH" - but looking back now these are the same sort of lyrics that Justin Bieber is hated so much for, complaining about relationships and feelings and all that crap - but you're 13 so it doesn't actually matter.

Anyway we recorded that one song and we had a sleepover one evening and well the music just kept on coming - I tell you, we wrote some lame ass songs which I won't go into. But we must have done something right because we came in third.

While this is one of the more embarrassing teenage experiences, I think it's safe to say I have earned my songwriting badge. Now let's never speak of this again.

Lifescouts: Keyboard Badge

When I was about 12, we started having keyboard lessons in music, and don't ask why, but it ended up with my Mum getting me a keyboard with both of us assuming I'd found my niche.

Unfortunately, it didn't go that well. I just about passed my keyboard assessment in music which involved getting as far as a song called "Pineapple Chunks" (I hate that word) which was level 6 I think I recall, and at home I'd been bought a book of songs to play which was incredibly more complicated than the stuff I'd learnt at school.

My Grandad plays the organ, so for a bit tried to teach me, but it didn't go well and unfortunately was something I never quite kept up. He loved playing my keyboard though. As did my Mum, who taught herself to play Moon River and the theme from Titanic. 

To this day, I can't remember where that keyboard went, but I can play the first few lines of My Heart Will Go On. Yes, I'm not very musical, but it still counts!

Lifescouts: Performing on a Stage Badge

I've gotten a little behind in my Lifescouts badges lately due to workload, but now I've submitted my last assignment, I have nothing to do except sit in denial about my upcoming unemployment and severe debt.

Anywho, I'm trying to catch up over the next couple of days and while Music Month is hardly something I'm going to score highly in, I'm surprised to say I've earned a few of them, starting with the performing on stage badge.

While not exactly Glee type experiences - though I'd love them to be - back when I was naive and didn't care what people thought of me there were a few stage experiences starting from when I was very young. Yes, I'm counting nativity plays. While most of my roles included just being on the stage in my angel costume and singing along with everyone else, in Year 2 I was promoted to innkeepers' wife. Still no lines, but it was the first time being on a stage with less than 10 people. Yeah.

Future nativities - or rather "Christmas Plays" based on the key details of the nativity just involved me sat on the floor at Melksham Assembly Hall as part of the choir. We had some weird shit for our Christmas shows - "Ace" where everyone was a card in the deck (I shit you not), and the king and queen of hearts were waiting for the Ace of hearts to arrive - technically the baby Jesus. There was also "A Spaceman Came Travelling" which I don't remember the full details of, but it was based on that Christmas song by Chris DeBurgh. YouTube it if you wish, but I can't listen to it without being reminded of what idiots the people who thought of doing that premise for a Year 1 nativity were.

My ultimate performance however was in Year 8. Brace yourself. School was doing a talent show, and yes, I'm fully aware I should have known better than to humiliate myself. I had never sang in front of an audience before and made the promise to my Mum she could come watch it if I got through. Ha. I sang Kelly Clarkson's The Trouble with Love from the end credits of Love Actually, a song I still can't listen to without feeling like a massive twat, in front of three teachers and a bunch of other kids who were actually talented. It was shit, we all know it was shit. Even when I got off the stage after finishing what was a complete disaster of a performance I heard one of the teachers say "bless her." It still makes me shudder - not because I found it creepy, but because I feel like a complete idiot. Needless to say I didn't get through, obviously I wasn't going to, and for a while I was gutted. Heh, their loss. Anyway from now on I stick to what I know - singing alone in my flat when no one else is home to Rachel's solos from Glee. That is 100% true.

Lifescouts: Scrabble and Bowling

These two badges aren't really ones that you could get a not so incredibly dull post out of so I've put them together.

First of all, Scrabble. Its not something I love, nor do I constantly play it. But it kills time and is always fun playing with your Mum and step Dad when your Mum has had a few glasses of wine. Also, when you've had a few drinks and you're with friends, how much fun do you get out of doing this?

Ah the joys of getting intoxicated off of three cans of Strongbow when you're sixteen. I'm also aware of the appalling effort that's been made there. We've not even linked them up or anything. But still, I'd love to properly play a game of Swear Scrabble. Although you'd be limited in what you could put down. Maybe change it to Insult Scrabble instead.

So there you have it, that's my Scrabble badge.

Secondly, there's the bowling badge. I used to live a five minute walk away from a leisure centre with a bowling alley, so there was a period of my life where I was there constantly. I never went bowling until I was about 12, and I wasn't very good at it. But between the ages of 13 and 16 it was always the thing to do. Loads of birthday parties were there, we'd go there in half term, not just because there was bowling, but there was a pool table and air hockey and the most awesome thing; a jukebox. Yes, small things, small minds, I'm fully aware. The pic above is an old one, from my 15th birthday party. One of the many many times we ended up at Christie Miller centre. I last went bowling last year when some friends came to visit, and it's safe to say the bowling place here is AWESOME. There's about 20 lanes, the place in general is massive and there's an arcade, with my favourite thing in the world, a DDR machine xD. 

So there you have it, again, my bowling badge. Booya.

Lifescouts: Video Game Badge

While I don't play Call of Duty and various other games that have statistically been linked with children showing aggression (bit of psychology for you there, I used to enjoy the odd video game. I remember the days of longing for Crash Bandicoot on Playstation because all my friends had it - my mum went out with a guy for a while who had it and that was the only reason I liked him, simply because I could sit on it for hours and all the levels had already been unlocked.

I used to love the Dancing Stage or DDR games - the first game I got with my PS1 was Dancing Stage Euromix which I in turn spent hours on at a time. I remember later on for Christmas I got a PS2, but never really had many games for it. The game I got with it was Pop Idol - like The X Factor but with Ant and Dec and everyone in it could actually sing and it wasn't a popularity contest - that was awesome. Like a dance mat game but with the controller. At the time I thought it was the coolest thing ever, but when I was soul crushingly bored a couple of years ago, I sat down to play it and my eyes nearly fell out from boredom.

My favourite PS1 was Sabrina the Teenage Witch: a Twitch in Time - can't remember the overall jist, but I remember if you unlocked a level you'd get to wear a new outfit. I never completed it though because of those crappy boss levels that most PS1 games had.

Having a PS2 was never complete without one game: Singstar. Every Christmas there would be at least 3 on my list and I eventually built up a collection of about 9 of them. At the time it'd be fun playing it alone in your room or when you had a friend round, but now you're older it's only really fun after copious amounts of alcohol on New Year's Eve.

There's probably a few dicks on the internet saying that I've never experienced 'proper' video games because I've never played on an Xbox 360 or a PS3 - those people have probably never experienced 'proper' sex with an actual human being, but I'm not here to judge. The closest 'modern' console I own is the Wii - yes, I know even that's out of date now.

Still, you can't beat a bit of Just Dance on the Wii. Again, something that's more fun after a heavy drinking session, but it's pretty awesome.

But there's one game that is the most awesomest of awesome. And that is The Sims. At the time, the first one was just mind blowing, but by the time the second one came out and they actually AGED = TOTAL MINDFUCK. And then they brought out the third one, where they can be famous and that. I dread to count the amount of hours I've spent on this game, but frankly, I think it's time well spent.

The truth about university by a bitter third year student

Similar to a post I made a couple of months or so ago, but I feel as I coming to the end of my studies - I have another term left and a few weeks of this one, but no lectures, so it's basically over - I should pull together the final list.

Now, I'm all for people getting an education. By all means, fill out that UCAS form to your heart's content, because believe me, your tutors will not keep their traps shut about it. But: if you're a like me i.e. shy, quiet, several issues and find it difficult to make friends, I suggest you read this before you click on the submit button. Forget all the things your older siblings told you: YEAH IT'S AWESOME, I GOT SO WASTED EVERY NIGHT! YEAH! No. If you are me, that does not happen.

So here's my list of what happens at university. Enjoy. Nb. Please take with a pinch of salt - it's not ALL bad ...maybe 60% crap.

1. Attendance isn't mandatory (well it is, but not legally)
Forget all that crap about how you had to attend school because it was the law - it doesn't apply here! And it's wonderful. You don't even have to give an excuse, just, don't turn up. It's awesome. But really, if you're paying for it, you might want to turn up once in a while. Especially if your modules take your attendance into account  for your final grade.

2. You'll realise you have 0% tolerance for 99.9% of people
As definite as death and paying taxes, you WILL work with assholes, and you WILL have some idiots in almost every seminar you go to. And even if you're the most patient person in the world, you won't be after this.

3. Group work is the be-all and end-all
You'd think because you're paying 18 grand of your money that your degree is all about you doing your own work. No. As above, you'll have to work with assholes because you're still apparently 8 years old and get easily distracted if work with people you can actually stand and get on with. And you'll hear "But in the workplace you'll have to work with people you don't get on with" about a thousand times. That's true, but you get paid for that.

4. Your smart phone will be your best friend
All I can say is, if you don't have a smart phone - get one. Facebook, Twitter, Angry Birds, Chalk Ball, Fruit Ninja, Words with Friends, whatever, they will all be seriously overused by the first few weeks when your lectures start to piss you off. Just put it on silent.

5. There are no jobs
The sad truth is this. There are no jobs. Triple dip recession here. Think of this way - how many people study your course? Think about how many people are studying that same course at all the other universities in the country, plus those who study it abroad. That doesn't leave many jobs at all. If you have a part time job at uni, put away some of your wages if you can, and have something lined up for when you leave, even if it's a voluntary job.

6. There will be plenty of people annoyingly smarter than you
It'll happen. You'll be insanely happy over the B you got in your assignment, then the teacher's pet of the group gets an A+. You'll only just have got your dissertation ethics back - with conditions you need to sort out - they'll be almost done with data collection. You can do nothing, apart from silently hate them.

7. There will also be plenty of people who you'll wonder how the hell they got to uni in the first place
The other end of the spectrum, there'll be several people who really shouldn't be at university. Whether they don't know basic stuff you learned at A-level, if they're in third year and still don't know how to reference properly, or even just soul crushingly unorganised they barely meet deadlines, they will be there.

8. For a shy person: First year is hell
Sorry to say this, but if you're shy and don't make friends easily, first year will not be fun. I never went into halls because I don't like fire alarms going off at 5am, aside from other things which is part of my problem. But seriously, if you're studying at a uni nearby and staying at home, it's not gonna be the best year of your life.

9. You'll realise how much you miss school
Teachers being more lenient with deadlines, drawing shit for your coursework and still getting an A, living rent free with your parents where your meals are cooked and your laundry's done, you'll miss school. The only area where uni wins is 1. the fact you can legally drink and 2. the fact attendance is not mandatory.

10. You'll realise how much your mum did for you and that she's awesome
She kept you for 18 years, and suddenly you're on your own. Paying rent and spending your own money on groceries. And cleaning, and cooking, doing laundry, paying bills. My mum did too much for me and I only realised that once coming to uni, it makes you appreciate her even more.

11. You'll realise you're essentially paying for three years of stress and anxiety
Ultimately it comes down to this. All-nighters on assignments, worrying about grades, what you'll do afterwards etc etc causes sheer panic all round. Happy studying!

Lifescouts: Pet Owning Badge

I've had LOTS of pets. Mainly cats, because let's face it, cats are awesome. But I've also had rabbits and at one point I had a dog. While uploading pictures of each and every animal I've ever owned would take an incredible lot of time going through boxes of photos and scanning them in with a crappy printer, I'll go through a brief list:

We got Benji the shi-zu when I was a toddler, don't remember much of him, only that my mum got rid of him when I was 3 because he had a rather disgusting habit.

Gromit the rabbit was my first bunny rabbit and I remember distinctly a home video of me stroking him in a box when I first got him and then telling my brother "I'VE GOT FUFFY HANDS!" because I'd been eating trifle...sorry Gromit.

My first cat was Poppy, who I have many pictures of playing along with my weird child games - including her sat in my plastic oven and in a box of books with me. And me cuddling up to her while I'm fast asleep. Sadly she was the first of many cats to have her 9 lives lost on the road outside my house.

There were goldfish too. Dee Dee and Dexter.

Then there was Meggy - named after Meg from Hercules. A beautiful tortoise shell kitty who again loved cuddling up to you.

We then had a change in the form of Twinkle, my first hamster. Literally the most cute and cuddly hamster you'll ever have met. Unfortunately a 'friend' of mine from school left her cage open and she ran away never to be seen again.

We then got Sazzy. She started off as Salem because the lady we bought her from was adament she was a boy. It was only when we saw her getting it on with the neighbour's boy cat we realised she was a girl, so she became Sazzy. The problem with Sazzy was that she was half ferrel, so she ran away a lot. We moved house at one point and a few months later went missing. Another poor kitty to be killed by a dickhead driver, and my mum had to go and 'identify' her when the vets called and said a cat of her description had been brought in.

Me & my Ozzy

Blossom then came along, my second hamster. While she was cute, she liked to bite. A lot. Still, she lived a full 2 years without running away. And I have the awful memory of my grandfather tipping the contents of her little plastic house into a tiny grave in the garden.

Bubbles

Then there was my Ozzy, who've I've spoken about before  because he was such a big part of my life - we had him for 6 years, the longest I'd ever had a pet. Sadly he passed away by yet another dickhead driver a week before I turned 18 and he would have turned 6. I still miss him, and every year on the 29th April (the day he went to the litter box in the sky), I think of him.

Flopsy

Then there were bunnies. Oh the bunnies. Bubbles was a tiny, cuddly thing and was so friendly (at the time, I liked The Powerpuff Girls - hence the names) and then shortly after we got Flopsy, who was much bigger, but she was still beautiful. Sadly both my bunnies went to heaven within a few years, Flopsy in particular was upsetting given that Ozzy had passed away a few months before.


Currently, I have no pets as our landlord doesn't allow them. But my Mum has a cat, Sooty who she's had for a few years now, which makes going home such a joy, especially given how attached he gets. He has a few issues though, he suffers with OCD (yes, animals can get it too) and gets upset really easily if someone he's attached too suddenly disappears - my stepdad used to work as a coach driver and was always going away on trips, poor Soots missed him more than my Mum did!

Sooty at 12 weeks old (or just about)

We're hoping to get a kitten when we leave Northampton in the summer, provided we get a big enough place with a garden and the landlord allows us to, but I see nothing wrong with a cat. So, while I have no pets at the moment, I think I've have definitely earned my pet-owning badge.

Banning fun - I mean alcohol - in Northampton

I've recently read that there's proposals for an Early Morning Alcohol Restriction Order (EMRO) in Northampton. Basically, they think there's too many drunks in Bridge Street at the weekend and want to ban the sale of alcohol in clubs and pubs between midnight and 6am.

While there's people probably reading this thinking that I should be the last person to be concerned given that I'm a geek who LOVES to study and have no fun (drawing conclusions from past experience), this is actually something that pisses me off. That's no surprise given that everything pisses me off, but yeah, this does too.

While I openly admit to not being a typical student (something I regret now that my uni days are almost over with and I feel my youth slipping away already by deciding it's time to grow up) I still enjoy a night out with copious amounts of alcohol - what student doesn't? I get where they're coming from in that there are A LOT of drunks in Northampton town centre at the weekend getting violent and puking, pissing and sometimes shitting in the gutter, but not everyone does that. I hold my hands up and say that just over a year ago I wasted the time of the emergency services due to what I still put down to a drink spiking and I feel terrible for that, but I didn't cause any trouble. I didn't batter someone in the street or piss in the gutter and I certainly won't be drinking like that again.

I honestly think that banning booze between 12am and 6am is going to do more harm than good - and I'm not saying that because I'm a student, I genuinely think it's true. First of all, how many clubs will go out of business? It's no lie that clubs get most of their profits from booze - no one's going to want to go on a night out and drink coke all evening, while not everyone goes out to get shit-faced, alcohol is still part of the fun.

They're also trying to make Northampton more appealing for students - but what potential student is going to go to a university where there's a ban on booze after midnight? And the saying it'll restrict alcohol consumption is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. No it won't, people in Northampton normally don't go out till 10 anyway - who's going to go out for 2 hours? People will just start going out earlier and two things will happen. 1. People will drink quicker, which is more dangerous than pacing yourself - again potentially resulting in ambulances being called and what not; and 2. People will get the same amount of wasted and will start causing fights and shit, but just a couple of hours earlier than normal.

How about instead of a minority of chavvy assholes spending their benefits on Jagerbombs and oranged faced TOWIE wannabes getting so hammered they just don't care where they piss ruining it for the rest of us the police just get tougher on them? Don't punish the majority of students who go out to let their hair down at the end of the week and stay sensible, when you know it's the same sort of people who cause the trouble every week. Not everyone goes out to get wasted, but it's fun to have a drink and get a little tipsy - just not so much that you end up spending the night in a cell or in A&E. Instead of putting a curfew on the clubs, put one on the people. If they're caught fighting or throwing up on the pavement or whatever, put a curfew on them and if they're out after a certain time of night next time, arrest the fuckers.

I really hope this ban doesn't get put into effect but I can see it happening. In which case, I can't see many people becoming students here. And what's next? Refusing to serve people in McDonald's because they're too fat? If they're going to put this heap of restrictive, fun ruining scrotum sack into effect, at least do it for a trial period rather than a permanent one, because I can guarantee that it will not make Northampton safer. If anything, people going out and getting drunk, and then being told they've nowhere to go or that they can't have another drink is just going to spike more trouble. Just leave things as they are.

Lifescouts: Zoo Badge

I've been gutted that so many of the Lifescouts badges are things I haven't done - it just goes to show I'm an incredibly boring person.

This month is animal month and the first badge was the Zoo badge. I will try my very best to not sound like an 8 year old at show and tell: I WENT TO THE ZOO AND THERE WERE LOTS OF ANIMALS. HAHAHA.

I've only ever been to the zoo about 5 times. Mainly because the only animals I ever liked were domestic ones, cats mainly. My Dad was the person who took me on my first zoo trip, I think I was 10 or something and we went to Bristol Zoo, not that I remember it all that well. The best part was Seal and Penguin Coast, obvs.

There was a school trip I vaguely remember for art GCSE where we went to Bristol zoo but we weren't allowed to enjoy ourselves, we had to draw every animal we saw otherwise our teacher went insane. Well, my one did. But once you know how to draw a penguin and a parrot or two, you can pretty much cheat your way out of it by saying that's what you want to focus on. I remember we went into this education centre too and they brought out this huge tortoise. That was pretty awesome.

Penguin Bay at Dudley Zoo

My next zoo trip wasn't actually till last year when Liam adopted me Pingu the Penguin for my birthday and we went to Dudley Zoo, which I've mentioned in previous blogs. As much as I like Bristol Zoo, Dudley will always top it for me because their penguin bit is amazing. If you're ever near there, seriously, go. It's awesome. They have the cutest baby meerkats there too at the moment. And owls. And parrots. The parrots are beautiful. There's one place I didn't go though, and never will. That is the reptile house. I don't mind lizards and what not, but show me a snake and I would rather you beat it to death against the wall. Not that I'd even do it myself, because I hate the idea of touching one. Unlike my Dad who once stroked one when he took me to this nature centre once, who then pulled my hand onto it. Surprisingly, they're not slimey, but ewww hate the things.

So that's my zoo story. Conclusions: go visit Dudley Zoo, or Bristol. Whichever's nearest. But don't go on a school trip to one for GCSE art if you have a bitch of teacher. You will not have fun.

SNOW!

Don't worry, this isn't a stupidly, annoyingly chirpy blog post all about snow and how awesome it is. It's a stupidly and trying very hard to be amusing blog post all about snow and how shit it is.

It happens every year: the whole country comes to a standstill over a bit of snow. While I enjoyed the fact that on Friday I didn't have to go to uni and that I got to leave work an hour early yesterday, I do not enjoy the constant rush of people panic buying, my post being delayed (not that I ever get anything - I'm still at that age where it's exciting to get post), and the fact that there is nothing to do at work.

I have a brother who lives in Canada, and from the pictures I've seen, they get so much more snow than we ever have - but things still carry on over there. Today, 90 schools in Northamptonshire were closed. I understand we need to keep the children safe and the staff can't make it in, but jeez, if we as a country were better prepared for snow then we wouldn't need to close the schools.

I hardly ever got snow days when I was at school (you cannot believe how old I feel just thinking about typing that sentance), the first one I got was in year 12. While it was nice to have a day off, my school wasn't the most organised - which resulted in me walking in carrying a fuck-off psychology textbook (900 pages I'm talking here), my folder for psychology (which was jam packed with all the sodding notes we had to take) and my DT folder; falling over multiple times, and getting to the locked gates only to be phone by my mum telling me they had literally JUST updated their website saying they were closed. Cue me arriving back home, soaking and freezing.

While I would have happily took a snow day if work decided to close, I just think its pathetic how everyone's lives have to stop because of a little sky jizz. I know it's dangerous at times and I'd rather not drive in it, but tomorrow I'm going to have to because of an agreed group contract that I signed saying we'd attend unless ill.

And what's with the constant photos on Facebook? Seriously LETS ALL TAKE PICTURES OF THE SNOW BECAUSE WE'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE AHH AWESOME! Why?! We hardly ever get nice weather but people don't take pictures of the sun shining on their cars parked in the driveway. Okay, it's a bit pretty. But I've seen snow before, and I'm sure I'll see it again.

Lifescouts: Driving Badge!

I'm a fan of Alex Day on YouTube. If you've never checked out his channel, you can do so here. He makes some pretty good videos and now and again does projects, mainly music/charity stuff. His most recent though has excited the crap out of me because it's such an awesome idea. It's called Lifescouts and is based around when kids would get scout badges for the achievenments. There's different badges for different life experiences such as hot air ballooning, playing guitar, visiting the Empire State Building etc. and the idea is if you've done what the badge represents, you retweet/repost/Facebook it with your experience, so people get to find out your story. And, even cooler, you can buy them too. You can watch the video of it here and check out the badges here. I don't have a Tumblr account (well I do, but I don't use it that often), so I'll just be reposting the badges I've 'achieved' on here.

I'm pretty gutted to find out I've only done one of the experiences so far. And that's one that probably everyone else has done. And that's driving. Passing my test took a hell of a lot of effort and mentally fucked me for a while. I passed my test 4th time, over 3 driving instructors, over 2 and a half years. I can't even bear to think how much money was spent, but those are the statistics I'm sticking with.

I passed my theory test 4 months after I started learning to drive (told you I was a slow learner) but didn't book my test until July that following year. I failed. The most annoying part? 7 minor faults, but I ended up with 2 major faults, involving changing lanes on a roundabout and clipping a wingmirror down a narrow street. Not going to lie, I was crushed and cried my eyes out the second I got home. But because I was going to uni in September, I still wanted to pass, so I managed to get a cancellation for the 13th of September - the day before I moved out to Northampton.

Again - failed. 10 minors but failed on steering and control of the car when I mounted the kerb pulling out of a junction. Cried a lot again, but quickly forgot about it with the stress of moving away to uni.

It wasn't till January that following year that I started learning again because I spent a while trying to work out if I could afford it. I eventually started learning again in Northampton, which is hard, I must say. I ended up booking my test for July - which, surprise, surprise, I failed. This time with 4 minors. And the annoying thing was that I didn't think I'd done anything wrong - even now I can't actually remember what I failed on. I can look at the forms in my drawer, but that requires effort. But it was probably a steering fault knowing me.

I was beginning to lose all hope given that in September my theory test was going to expire (yes, I had really dragged it out for that long), but I was lucky enough to get a cancellation on the 13th September, exactly a year after I failed the second one.

Shitting myself immensely and anxious to the point where I was physically shaking, I got into the car with the examiner knowing this was it. Although he was much nicer than the previous three. I remember distinctly, it was going rather well until he pulled me over and asked me to do the left reverse. I cocked it up so badly I ended up on the other side of the road. Instead of fucking it up even more, I asked if I could take a minute to pull myself together. And bless this lovely guy, he told me to calm down and even said "I haven't failed you" and actually began to help me by giving me hints on where to steer.

When we got back to the test centre I was sure I'd failed, given that there was another 20 minutes of the test left after I had my panic and I was just making so many mistakes. When he said "so, that's the end of the test" I instantly cut him off with "OH GOD I'VE FAILED HAVEN'T I?!" on the verge of tears. I distinctly remember his exact words as being "I'll pass you." Just relief. Everywhere. Again, I can't remember exactly, but I think I passed with 7 minors. And I will always be grateful that I had such a lovely examiner.

The day my pink licence came through the door (as sad as this sounds) I was so happy. I genuinely felt like a grown up. Despite the fact I can just about park and that I haven't done a left reverse since my test, or a reverse park since before my test, I am proud of the fact I eventually did it. Although now I'm paranoid about speed cameras, seeing them as evil things that just live to take my precious licence away from me. Not that I do speed, ever, but when you suffer from a phobia that causes you to have occasional bouts of OCD, your mind gets a bit compulsive about the important things. To this day I see my driving licence as my most expensive possession. It's genuinely the most expensive thing I own given the amount of money spent to get it.

So, (and I hope I don't jinx things by doing this) I am proud to say that I have well and truly earned my driving badge.

2012: A Review

Third year in a row that I'm keeping my tradition of my yearly NYE review. As per usual, I don't give a crap about what actually happened - the fact we hosted the Olympics and held a party for an old lady all at taxpayer's expense while we were in a double dip recession, the BBC being exposed as a massive paedo club (I can just see them now "First rule of Paedo Club - NEVER talk about Paedo Club") and filthy scumbag shits not washing their hands and spreading norovirus round to most of the population, and  of course, the end of the world on the 21st of December - yes, we've never had a dull moment in this year's news.

1. 3 Year Anniversary - Liam and I made it to three years on the 14th of February. And in 2 months time, it'll be 4 :)
2. Contact lenses mishap - After 14 years of wearing glasses and me gaining a job in an optician's, I finally decided to try contact lenses. Monthly lenses to be exact. I lasted for just over a week when suddenly my eye became sore and watery...while I was at work serving customers. Me being an idiot and forgetting my glasses, I had to leave them in until I couldn't stand it anymore and had to get Liam to bring them to me. When I went to take them out upstairs I was persuaded by a colleague to get the optician to check it - lucky I did, as I was sent to casualty with an ulcer. After 2 hours of waiting in eye casualty I was given antibiotic drops and allowed to go home. So I won't be trying them for a while...at least not monthlies. Eeh, either way I look ill without glasses.

Drinks for my Birthday at The Pilot

3. Jimmy Carr - In April Liam and I went to see Jimmy Carr in Northampton. It was a brilliant evening and we met him afterwards and he was so lovely.
4. Celebrated my 20th Birthday - In May I officially became an adult (as even when you're 18 and 19, you're still a teenager apparently - bollocks). In true adult fashion, I went to work and treated it like a normal day.
5.  Became adopter of a penguin - For my birthday Liam gave me a brilliant present, my very own penguin, Pingu, at Dudley Zoo. While I never got to see which one exactly was him, I got to stroke one at their adopters event.
6. End of Desperate Housewives - While I said I didn't give a crap about current events, this was worthy to me as I've been watching DH since I was 12 years old and was so sad to see it go. Still, the Christmas money from my Dad went towards the Season 8 boxset so my collection's nearly completed.

Elliot the Penguin - Hand reared at Dudley Zoo so she loved the attention!

7. Passed 2nd year of uni - Despite another year of bitching and whining, I managed to pass all 9 modules of my second year at university. So it's a bit pointless to quit now.
8. Dissertation misery - I began my dissertation shortly after exams finished on CBT and vomit phobia, luckily I have a supervisor who's worked with sufferers before, so I'm in good hands. Just have to hope to god I do well.
9. EMDR - Part of my third year involved a course of EMDR (Eye movement desensitisation reprocessing) for my vomit phobia. I'll save you the long story...it didn't work too well.
10. Russell Kane - Liam and I went to see Russell Kane in November and as with most comedy events we go to, it was really good. Unfortunately we never got to meet him as he had to dash off to Leicester.
11. Became slightly more successful at work - Last month I was signed off of my first training course at work meaning I can now do single vision dispenses and adjustments/collections etc. May not mean much to you, but I'm so proud of myself for it.
12. I became an auntie again - My new neice Rose was born on the 7th December in British Columbia and I'm so happy for my brother Sean and his wife Siobhan. She's adorably cute and I look forward to meeting her via Skype in the new year.
13. Irrational norovirus hatred - Unfortunately given the media having nothing newsworthy to talk about I became an irrational, obsessive mess all over Christmas after the heavily documented norovirus outbreak was shoved down everyone's throats. Although, if it weren't for disgusting scumbags of the great British public not washing their hands after using the toilet, there wouldn't be a norovirus outbreak for the media to shove down people's throats. If I give you one piece of advice EVER, it's this: WASH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS.

Kerms - My frog puppet

14. Christmas - After 4 months of working my ass off and edging on burnout, we finally went home for Christmas. And despite the irrational obessiveness thanks to this god awful vomit phobia, it was pretty good. Presents included a My Keepon and my very own puppet.

So 2012 hasn't been a bad year, as we've not quite got anything planned, I'm not sure what there is to look forward to although I have 2 things in mind:
1. Graduation and all the perks - I cannot wait to get out of that crappy hell hole of a university. While I'm not looking forward to standing up in front of a bunch of people and walking onto a stage with a (let's face it, it's me) very high possibility of falling over, in May, it'll all be over. Thank Christ.
2. Leaving Northampton - While I've made a small number of good friends and uni and I enjoy my job, I won't be unbelievably sad to leave Northampton behind. I will be sad to say goodbye to the friends I made and the lovely people I've worked with, but it'll be nice to move back to Wiltshire. Hopefully.